listening to her with caring, warmth, and empathy, he would try to bring her back up with
explanations of why she shouldn't be so upset.
The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she
shouldn't be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her
while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man
can't fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention, and
support.
Now Men Are Confused
After learning how women are like waves, Bill was still confused. The next time his wife
seemed to be in her well, he practiced listening to her. As she talked about some of the things
that were bothering her, he practiced not offering suggestions to "fix her" or make her feel
better. After about twenty minutes he became very upset, because she wasn't feeling any better.
He told me, "At first I listened, and she seemed to open up and share more. But then she started
getting even more upset. It seemed the more I listened the more upset she got. I told her she
shouldn't be getting more upset and then we got into a big argument."
Although Bill was listening to Mary, he was still trying to fix her. He expected her to feel better
right away. What Bill didn't know is that when a woman goes into her well, if she feels
supported she doesn't necessarily feel better right away. She may feel worse. But that is a sign
that his support may be helping. His support may actually help her to hit bottom sooner, and
then she can and will feel better. To genuinely come up she first needs to hit bottom. That is
the cycle.
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