bottom, and then she would have felt significantly better. Once again, she would have been
willing to trust intimacy, even knowing it can be painful when inevitably he temporarily pulls
away.
When Feelings Get Hurt
But Harris didn't understand why she would be hurt. He told her she shouldn’t be hurt. And
the argument began. Telling a woman she shouldn't feel hurt is about the worst thing a man
can say. It hurts her even more, like poking a stick into an open wound.
When a woman is feeling hurt, she may sound as if she is blaming him. But if she is given care
and understanding, the blame will disappear. Trying to explain to her why she shouldn't be
hurt will make matters much worse.
Sometimes when a woman is hurting she may even agree intellectually that she shouldn't be
hurting. But emotionally she is still hurting and doesn't want to hear from him that she
shouldn't he hurting. What she needs is his understanding of why she is hurting.
Why Men and Women Fight
Harris completely misunderstood Cathy's hurt reaction. He thought she was demanding that he
give up TV forever. Cathy wasn't demanding that Harris give up TV. She just wanted him to
know how painful it was for her.
Women instinctively know that if only their pain can be heard then they can trust their partner
to make whatever changes he can make. When Cathy shared her hurt, she just needed to be
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heard and then be reassured that he wasn't permanently reverting back to the old Harris,
addicted to TV and emotionally unavailable.
Certainly Harris deserved to watch TV, but Cathy deserved the right to be upset. She deserved
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