to be heard, understood, and reassured. Harris was not wrong for watching TV, and Cathy was
not wrong for being upset.
Because Harris did not understand Cathy's wave, he thought her reaction was unfair. He
thought he had to invalidate her feelings if he wanted to take time to watch TV. He became
irritable and thought, I can't be loving and intimate all the time!
Harris felt he had to make her feelings wrong to gain the right to watch TV and live his fife and
be himself. He argued for his right to watch TV when Cathy just needed to be heard. She
argued for the right to be hurt and upset.
RESOLVING CONFLICTS THROUGH UNDERSTANDING
It was naive for Harris to think that Cathy's anger, resentment, and feelings of powerlessness
from being neglected for twelve years were going to go away after two weeks of being in love.
It was equally naive for Cathy to think that Harris could sustain his focus on her and the family
without taking time to pull away and focus on himself.
When Harris started to pull away it triggered Cathy's wave to crash. Her unresolved feelings
started coming up. She was not just reacting to Harris watching TV that night but to the years
of being neglected. Their argument turned into yelling. After two hours of yelling they weren't
talking to each other.
By understanding the bigger picture of what had happened, they were able to resolve their
conflict and make up. Harris understood that when he started to pull away it triggered Cathy's
time to do some emotional housecleaning. She needed to talk about her feelings and not be
made wrong. Harris was encouraged by the realization that she was fighting to be heard, just as
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