needs as well as hers. He should take the time he needs and then go back and give her what she
needs.
When a man can't listen to a woman's hurt feelings because he needs to pull away, he can say "I
understand you feel hurt and I need some time to think about it. Let's take a time-out." For a
man to excuse himself in this way and stop listening is much better than trying to explain away
her hurt.
What She Can Do Instead of Arguing
In hearing this suggestion, Cathy said, "If he gets to be in his cave then what about me? I give
him space, but what do I get?"
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What Cathy gets is the best her partner can give at the time. By not demanding that he listen to
her when she wants to talk, she can avoid making the problem much worse by having a huge
argument. Second, she gets his support when he comes back-when he is truly capable of
supporting her.
Remember, if a man needs to pull away like a rubber band, when he returns he will be back
with a lot more love. Then he can listen. This is the best time to initiate conversation.
Accepting a man's need to go into the cave does not mean giving up the need to talk. It means
giving up the demand that he listen whenever she wants to talk. Cathy learned to accept that
sometimes a man can't listen or talk and learned that at other times he could. Timing was very
important. She was encouraged not to give up initiating conversation but to find those other
times when he could listen.
When a man pulls away is the time to get more support from friends. If Cathy feels the need to
talk but Harris can't listen, then Cathy could talk more with her friends. It puts too much
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