Find Your Why: a practical Guide for Discovering Purpose for You and Your Team pdfdrive com

Refine Your Why Statement
After you have a draft, the final stage of the Why Discovery process is testing
and refining your Why Statement. There are a few ways to do this. One fun way
to validate your Why Statement, or to get ideas for how to tweak it, is to do what
we call the Friends Exercise. For this exercise, make a list of your closest friends
—the people who are always there for you, the ones you can call at 2:00
A.M.
if
you need them and know they will pick up the phone. The ones who, if they
called you at 2:00
A.M.
, you’d be there for them too. Then follow the instructions
below. You can also download the Friends Exercise as a free PDF at
http://bit.ly/FYWresources.
Friends Exercise
The exercise works best if done in person, one friend at a time. Be sure to give
your friend some context about the process you’ve gone through, and tell them
that you’re asking them to help you on your journey. Keep your WHY to
yourself for now. You don’t want to influence your friend’s upcoming responses.
First, ask them, “Why are you friends with me?” Don’t be surprised if your pal
looks at you as if you’ve grown three heads. It’s not a question most friends ask
each other, and it’s harder to answer than we think. Friendships are rooted in
feelings and, as we know, feelings are difficult to put into words. For this
exercise to work, you have to keep going even if both of you are a little
uncomfortable.
Ironically, asking a question that starts with “why” doesn’t actually get us to the
WHY. That’s because the question “why” is an emotional question, and it tends
to elicit vague or reactive answers. In contrast, asking a “what” question elicits a

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more thoughtful and exact answer. Now ask the same question again, this time
framed with “what”: “What is it about me that made you choose to be friends
with me?” This time your buddy may say something like, “I don’t know. I care
about you. I can trust you. We’re into the same stuff. And we just get along
really well!” That’s a logical answer, but of course, those are the basic elements
of almost any friendship. Continue to play the devil’s advocate, always framing
your “why” questions with “what.” For example, if you want to ask “why . . . ,”
instead ask “what is it about . . .” Follow up with something like, “Great, you’ve
just defined what it means to be a friend! But what is it about me in particular?”
Your friend will probably stammer and struggle for a minute and maybe even
come up with more attributes of any friend. As this goes on, you’ll find it more
and more tempting to let them off the hook, but keep at it. “Yeah, but what
specifically is it about me?” Continue to push them beyond the rational answers.
There are two ways you can tell that you’re getting where you want to go in this
conversation. The first is when your friend goes quiet and starts staring at the
floor or ceiling, seemingly at a total loss for words. What’s actually happening is
they are connecting with their feelings for you and struggling to put them into
words. If you attempt to fill the silence by throwing out another question or
comment, you’ll interrupt this very important process. Instead, let your friend sit
in that silence and work through it. Let’s say you’re doing this with one of your
friends. At some point, your friend will move on from generalities, such as “We
have the same sense of humor,” to something specific, such as “You really make
me laugh . . . which is fun, but which also makes me realize that we see the
world the same way. When I tell you what my boss said last week, and you make
a joke about it, I not only laugh, but I also feel reassured that my boss is the
crazy one, not me.”
And that brings up the second thing to watch for, which is a distinct shift in your
friend’s focus. At some point, they will stop describing you and seemingly start
describing themselves. In the example above, when your friend says, “I feel
reassured that my boss is the crazy one,” they are not talking about your
personality but about how you make them feel and the difference you make to
them. In other words, your friend is articulating your unique contribution to their
life. And you’ve gone deep enough when you have an emotional response to
whatever they say. You may get goosebumps or get choked up. That’s because
they have put into words the true value you have in their life. They have stated

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your WHY in their own words, and because the WHY exists in the part of the
brain that controls emotions and not language, you have an emotional response.
This is an important turning point. It’s a wonderful way to see how you’ve been
living your WHY without even realizing it.
Chances are that the themes and patterns that emerge from the Friends Exercise
will be similar to, if not exactly like, those you and your partner uncovered
during the Why Discovery process. But maybe your friend used a word or phrase
in talking about you that you like better. If it feels right, go ahead and
incorporate those words into your Why Statement. On the flip side, if the Friends
Exercise brought different themes to light, that’s something to consider too. Do
any of those themes sit better with you than the ones you identified during the
Why Discovery? If so, maybe you and your partner need to do a little more
digging.
In addition to the Friends Exercise, it can also be helpful to just let your Why
Statement sit for a few days. Think of it as a cake. When you pull a cake out of
the oven, you can’t cut a slice and eat it right away. It’s too hot and it will fall
apart. The cake needs time to cool and set. Your WHY is the same. Give it some
time to cool and set before you start to use it.
Often the first draft of a Why Statement sounds a bit generic. While you are
sitting with your WHY, try to unpack the words to find language that is more
authentic to you, that more completely captures your feelings. We sometimes
play a little game with people and ask them if they like the words in their Why
Statement enough to have them tattooed on their body. If the answer is no, then
you haven’t found the words you “love” and relate to yet. You really want to
love the words, especially the words of your contribution.
As you revise your Why Statement, refer back to your stories. This will help
ensure that any changes you make won’t water down the accuracy of the
statement. In the end, the goal of refining your Why Statement isn’t to make it