The Art Of Saying no: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted
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The art of saying no
STRATEGY #7: AVOID LYING
ABOUT YOUR AVAILABILITY I understand the temptation. Someone asks you to do something you’d rather avoid. As an honest person, you’d like to tell them as much. The problem is, you fear that honesty is likely to cause him or her to feel offended, upset, or resentful. So you lie. For example, you tell the requestor, “Sorry. I can’t take you to the airport because I have a doctor’s appointment.” In truth, you have no plans to visit your doctor. The excuse is just a way to get out of accommodating the request. It’s a small, harmless lie. You tell yourself that it’s not as if you’re hurting someone. There are far worse sins than lying about your availability. But it carries consequences. When you tell these small, harmless lies, you erode your sense of personal authority. You train yourself to fear what others might think about your reasoning. For example, suppose the real reason you’re turning down the requestor is that you simply dislike driving to the airport. Additionally, you want to avoid becoming known as the “taxi” person - the one to whom everyone turns when they need a lift. Here’s how you might express these feelings when someone asks you to take him or her to the airport. I don’t want to drive to the airport because I can’t stand freeway traffic.” I don’t want to drive to the airport because the ride, up and back, will take three hours.” I’ve had a terrible week and had planned to relax today. So I’m going to say no.” I’m going to pass. I don’t want to be the one everyone asks to take them to the airport.” On the surface, these responses might seem impolite. On the contrary, you’re being direct, which shows respect. You’re showing the requestor that you hold him or her in high enough regard to be candid. You trust that he or she will respect your feelings, and honor your wishes on the matter. But most importantly, you train yourself to trust your own authority. Rather than lying about your availability and feeling guilty for doing so, you develop a strong sense of personal agency. You learn to rely on your own reasoning when deciding whether to consent to, or turn down, requests and invitations. As you develop and strengthen this confidence and resoluteness, you’ll become less concerned with how the requestor reacts to your saying no. You’ll recognize that as long as you decline requests with grace, honesty, and respect, the requestor’s reaction isn’t your responsibility. |
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