Microsoft Word Marriage Guide doc

 
 
7 Celebrating the Difference 
'And the male is not like the female.' (3:36) 
There is no doubt that when Allah created that 'single soul,' and from it derived the 
first couple, Woman was not just a revised model of Man. And the differences, far from 
being the product of chance or random whim, were the wise and compassionate workings of 
our Creator, Who exquisitely designed each half of the pair to complement the other 
physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. 
They had certain things in common-and an absolutely fundamental range of 
differences! 
It is true that there are plenty of 'sensitive' men and 'coldly logical' women. 
Nevertheless, it does seem that when it comes down to working out the mechanics of 
helping men and women to live together smoothly as husband and wife, it is a good idea to 
remind the hopeful newlyweds that they are not the same at all-it is easier to solve a lot of 
The Muslim Marriage Guide: Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood

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Source: 
www.al-islamforall@org
 
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the problems if one remembers the saying that 'women come from Venus, and men come 
from Mars.' 
Just like visitors from two different planets, husbands and wives don't always 'speak 
the same language,' or understand the same consequences from a course of action, or look 
at a problem through the eyes of someone from the same background. 
Quite apart from the 'gender gap,' which has been carved into the chromosomes of 
every single cell in the body, one obvious factor is that the two partners have come into 
their marriage from two different families, with entirely different past-tracks. Since 
experiences in childhood play so important a role in shaping our thinking and attitudes in 
adulthood, there will be unknown depths to deal with, and conflicting views will inevitably 
break surface from time to time. When both partners come from a very similar 
background, sharing the same religious beliefs and practices and aims, the problems are 
greatly reduced-but they are not done away with entirely. Much depends on what 
happened to them as individual boys and girls. 
Men who get a frequent blasting of the repeat tunes: 'You don't love me! ‘You never 
listen to me!' 'You don't care how I feel!' need to ask themselves why it is that their wives 
are feeling so insecure. Are they really lacking in love, or not communicating that love? A 
wife who knows that she is very dear to her husband feels warm and safe inside. However, if 
a wife had a cold and inadequate father who did not give her adequate emotional support as 
a child, or one who despised his wife and treated her abusively as if she was a fool or a 
servant, then when she is 'off-guard,' low and tired, she may have an overwhelming need for 
approval and reassurance that has nothing to do with her husband. The perplexed husband 
cries: 'But I could tell her I love her a hundred times, and it still wouldn't be enough!' This, 
unfortunately, is true-but understanding why might help alleviate his irritation and 
bafflement. 
It is a good idea for husbands and wives to try to see each other from the 
perspective of their pasts, rather than their own. This is particularly important when 
the partner has been systematically humiliated and cruelly treated, or abused 
physically or sexually by a parent or guardian, or was unwanted. 
You cannot undo the past, nor completely cure its effects; but you can do a 
very great deal to heal a distressed mate, or at least comfort them in love. Instead of 
down playing the neglect or abuse, even though you may not have experienced it 
personally, you should not underrate their anguish, but acknowledge their past and 
give your support. 
Therefore, it is only fair; of course, if the 'hurt' partner makes sure the other 
fully understands the problem, so far as he or she is able to communicate it. At a time 
when emotions are not heated, discuss your feelings, explain why you feel hurt and 
what you need in order to feel reassured. 
Hurt people have such a natural tendency to summon up all the traumas from 
the past and use them as emotional weaponry when they get into arguments. 
Whenever you hear 'It's all your fault!,' 'You should/ shouldn't be able to do this!' or the 
deadly 'You always/ never do/ remember that!' you are probably dealing with a ghost 
from the past. Husbands or wives who use this kind of phraseology do not mean it 
really-the statements ,ire provably not true-but there is an old accumulated 'hangup' 
of deep feeling here. It doesn't take much to restimulate all that old pain. 
These husbands and wives should try to rephrase themselves assertively in terms 
of how they feel about whatever it is, rather than an accusation of what the other is 
or is not doing. 
'When you do that, I feel unloved /misunderstood,' is much more dealable-with 
than 'You don't love me' or 'You never understand me!' It is a very good idea to get out 
a book on basic assertiveness training, and have a look into its insights and skills. Most 
managers who work smoothly with their staff do this-they are sent on courses. It 
wouldn't hurt those trying to run a good, smooth marriage to know some of the same 
techniques. 
The Muslim Marriage Guide: Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood

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