13 Things Mentally Strong People Don\'t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success pdfdrive com

LEARNED BEHAVIOR
Sometimes the desire to avoid conflict stems from childhood. If you were raised
by parents who were constantly bickering, you may have learned that conflict is
bad and keeping people happy is the best way to prevent arguments.
Children of alcoholics, for example, often grow up to be people pleasers

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because that was the best way to deal with a parent’s unpredictable behavior. In
other cases, doing good deeds was the only way to get any attention.
Putting other people first can also become a way to feel needed and important.
I’m worth something if I can make other people feel happy. So it becomes a habit
to always invest energy into other people’s feelings and lives.
A lot of my clients will often tell me they need to behave like a doormat,
because that’s what the Bible says they should do. But I’m pretty sure the Bible
says to “treat your neighbor as yourself,” not better than yourself. Most spiritual
guidance encourages us to be bold enough to live according to our values, even
when doing so displeases some people.
THE PROBLEM WITH PEOPLE PLEASING
Megan’s desire to please others made her lose sight of her values. She wasn’t
getting her needs met and it impacted her mood. She realized exactly how much
her increased attempts to please others had affected her family when—after a
few therapy sessions—her husband said to her, “I feel like I’ve got my old
Megan back.”
YOUR ASSUMPTIONS AREN’T ALWAYS TRUE
Sally invites Jane to go shopping with her. The only reason Sally invites Jane is
because Jane asked her out for coffee last week and Sally thinks it would be nice
to reciprocate. However, Sally actually hopes Jane declines because she wants to
make it a quick trip to the mall to pick out some shoes. She knows if Jane goes,
she’ll likely want to shop for hours.
Jane actually doesn’t want to go shopping. She has some errands to run and a
few household chores to finish up. But she doesn’t want to hurt Sally’s feelings.
So when Sally invites her to the mall, she agrees to go.
Both of these women think they’re doing something that pleases the other
person. However, they clearly have no idea what the other person wants. Their
“attempts to be nice” are actually causing more of a nuisance to each other. But
neither one has the courage to actually speak up and say what she really wants.
Most of us wrongly assume that people-pleasing behavior proves we’re

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generous. But when you think about it, always trying to please people isn’t a
selfless act. It’s actually quite self-centered. It assumes that everyone cares about
your every move. It also assumes you think you have the power to control how
other people feel.
If you’re constantly doing things to make others happy and you don’t think
they are appreciative of your efforts, you’ll soon experience resentment.
Thoughts such as I do so much for you, but you don’t do anything for me will
creep in and ultimately hurt your relationships.