could and can in place of would and will. "Could you empty the trash?" is merely a question
gathering information. "Would you empty the trash?" is a request.
Women often use "could you?" indirectly to imply "would you?" As I mentioned before,
indirect requests are a turnoff. When used occasionally they certainly may go unnoticed, but
persistently using can and could begins to irritate men.
When I suggest to women that they begin asking for support, sometimes they panic because
their partners have already made comments many times such as:
• "Don't nag me."
• "Don't ask me to do things all the time."
• "Stop telling me what to do."
• "I already know what to do."
• "You don't have to tell me that."
In spite of how it sounds to a woman, when a man makes this kind of comment, what he really
means is "I don't like the way you ask!" If a woman doesn't understand how certain language
can affect men, she will get even more snarled. She becomes afraid to ask and starts saying,
"Could you..." because she thinks she is being more polite. Though this works well on Venus, it
doesn't work at all on Mars.
On Mars it would he an insult to ask a man "Can you empty the trash?" Of course he can empty
the trash! The question is not can he empty the trash but will he empty the trash. After he has
been insulted, he may say no just because you have irritated him.
What Men Want to Be Asked
When I explain this distinction between the c words and the w words in my seminars, women
tend to think I am making a big deal over nothing. To women there is not much difference - in
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