fact, "could you?" may even seem more polite than "would you?" But to many men it is a big
difference. Because this distinction is so important, I'm including comments by seventeen
different men who attended my seminars.
1. When I am asked "Could you clean up the backyard" I really take it literally. I say, "I could do
it, sure it's possible." But I am not saying "I will do it," and I certainly don't feel like I am
making a promise to do it. On the other hand, when I am asked " Would you clean up the
150
backyard" I begin to make a decision, and I am willing to be supportive. If I say yes, the
chances of my remembering to do it are much greater because I have made a promise.
2. When she says "I need your help. Could you please help?" it sounds critical, like somehow I
have already failed her. It doesn't feel like an invitation to be the good guy I want to be and
support her. On the other hand, "I need your help. Would you please carry this?" sounds like a
request and an opportunity to be the good guy. I want to say yes."
3. When my wife says "Can you change Christopher's diaper?" I think inside, Sure I can change
it. I am capable, and a diaper is a simple thing to change. But then if I don't feel like doing it I
might make some excuse. Now, if she asked "Would you change Christopher's diaper?" I would
say "Yeah, sure," and do it. Inside I would feel, I like to participate and I enjoy helping raise our
children. I want to help!
4. When I am asked "Would you help me please?" it gives me an opportunity to help, and I am
more than willing to support her, but when I hear "Could you help me please?'' I feel backed up
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