If she is upset or has had a stressful day, at first I will feel that she is saying I am somehow
responsible and thus to blame. My greatest challenge is to not take it personally, to not
misunderstand her. I do this by constantly reminding myself that we speak different
languages. As I continue to ask "What else happened?" I find that there are many other things
bothering her. Gradually I start to see that I am not solely responsible for her upset. After a
while, when she begins to appreciate me for listening, then, even if I was partially responsible
for her discomfort, she becomes very grateful, accepting, and loving.
Although listening is an important skill to practice, some days a man is too sensitive or stressed
to translate the intended meaning of her phrases. At such times he should not even attempt to
listen. Instead he could kindly say "This isn't a good time for me. Let's talk later."
Sometimes a man doesn't realize that he can't listen until she begins talking. If he becomes very
frustrated, while listening he should not try to continue-he'll just become increasingly upset.
That does not serve him or her. Instead, the respectful thing to say is "I really want to hear what
you are saving, but right now it is very difficult for me to listen. I think I need some time to
think about what you have just said."
As Bonnie and I have learned to communicate in a way that respects our differences and
understand each other's needs, our marriage has become so much easier. I have witnessed this
same transformation in thousands of individuals and couples. Relationships thrive when
communication reflects a ready acceptance and respect of people's innate differences.
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