A new Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated

Father (choosing Plan A over performing a rescue 
mission): Your mother said we’d stop soon; now 
put a lid on it! 
Trent (very loudly, kicking the back of his father’s 
seat): You guys are such freaking liars! You always 
do this! You say you’ll do something, and then you 
don’t! 
Mother (still no Empathy): Look, we’ll stop for food as 
soon as we can. 
[
Kaboom.] 

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Learning Curves 
167 
On a related topic, some kids don’t adapt well when a 
solution doesn’t go exactly as planned. Mike, a remark-
ably rigid thirteen-year-old, had agreed with his mother 
over when (twelve noon on Saturday) and how (with her 
help) he’d clean his room. Mike was actually eager to get 
his room straightened up, but he lacked the organiza-
tional skills to do it on his own. Unfortunately, the 
mother was delayed by another commitment and wasn’t 
around at twelve noon to help Mike clean his room. This 
change in plan proved to be a major obstacle for Mike. 
When the mother arrived home at 1:30 
P
.
M
. and sug-
gested that they begin cleaning the room, Mike was very 
agitated. At 1:31 the mother insisted that they clean the 
room. Mike’s agitation increased. The mother insisted 
further. At 1:32 Mike exploded. What Mike needed was 
a complete reconfiguring of the original solution. He 
was just that rigid.
Many of the examples I’ve read so far relate to younger 
children. My explosive child is fifteen. Any special 
suggestions? 
Believe it or not, your child’s chronological age is not the 
key issue. His developmental age in the domains of flexibil-
ity and frustration tolerance is the key issue. So while the 
language we’d use would probably be more sophisticated 
for a fifteen-year-old than for a four-year-old, the emphasis 

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168 
The Explosive Child 
on identifying pathways and triggers would be exactly the 
same. Kids respond to being understood and to a collabora-
tive approach regardless of age.